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Divorce Counseling & Therapy

Divorce counseling is a broad subject encompassing many areas. We address 3 of these areas below, Coping with Divorce, Preventing Divorce by Improving Your Marriage, and Helping Your Children Cope with Divorce.

I. Coping with Divorce

Divorce is one of the most stressful things an adult can face. Hopelessness, substance abuse, low self-esteem, depression, frustration, panic attacks, severe worry, chronic anxiety, sadness, and suicidal thoughts or intentions are common consequences of the divorce process.

As is often the case with our advice, we recommend the services of a good therapist as a primary means of coping with divorce.

Please find below some additional suggestions for getting through this challenging time:

1) Join a divorce support group.

2) Delay important decisions about your job, living circumstances, and relationships until the emotional pain of divorce has passed.

3) Allow yourself to experience all of your emotions.

4) As a way of preventing divorce from occurring again, determine what you did to contribute to the demise of the relationship. Be honest but by all means do not use this exercise as a means of blaming or feeling badly about yourself.

5) As another way of preventing divorce from recurring, contemplate what your own parents were like while you were a child. Did one or both parents show patterns of behavior or personality similar to those of your spouse? If so,it would be wise to bring this information to a therapist specializing in relationships.

6) Practice self-forgiveness.

7) Practice forgiveness for your former spouse.

8) Contemplate the positives you have received from divorce.

II. Preventing Divorce by Improving Your Marriage

If there is still hope of reconciliation in a troubled marriage, it is imperative that the couple seek marriage counseling together as soon as possible. There are many helpful therapies for troubled marriages, and we especially like the Imago approach developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix as well as other approaches that are focused on here-and-now solutions and current research. Some results of recent research on marriage therapy - such as that by Drs. Wallerstein, Markman and Notarius - are discussed below:

Based on extensive interviews with 50 couples, Dr. Judith S. Wallerstein, (The Good Marriage) made the following recommendations:

• Possibly with the help of a therapist, and especially if one’s childhood was emotionally abusive or difficult, reflect on how childhood experiences may be influencing one’s behavior in the current marriage. Then act on that understanding to carefully discontinue any patterns of thought or behavior influenced by prior trauma or other such challenging circumstances.

• Engage in many intimate and enjoyable things together, refraining during those times from allowing conflict to enter the picture. It is also important to schedule adequate alone time for each spouse.

• Protect the sexual relationship from all work and family intrusions.

• Use humor as much as possible.

• Provide your spouse with a great deal of encouragement and support while at the same time communicating with him or her about how to do the same for you.

Research done by Dr. Howard Markman and Dr. Clifford Notarius indicates that conflict management is the most important factor in helping a marriage survive. The following behavior patterns predict an imminent collapse of a marriage:

• Withdrawing from conflict.

• Escalating conflict.

• Insulting one another.

Marital therapy can help couples learn to avoid these communication traps, replacing them with careful listening, support, appreciation, and encouragement.

III. Helping Your Children Cope with Divorce

This is a difficult task, requiring a great deal of patience and tolerance over a long period of time. Counseling for parents and children is often recommended, especially if the children begin to be: depressed, difficult to control, exhibiting increased problems with grades or school, withdrawn, sullen, uncommunicative, agitated, anxious, or in any other way more emotionally negative.

The following list provides suggestions for helping you and your children cope through this challenging time:

1. First and foremost, tell your children that they did not cause the divorce in any way. Nearly all children incorrectly assume responsibility, which in turn causes them much needless suffering. Tell your children regularly – and for at least a year following divorce- that this was their parents’ decision and that only their parents are responsible for it.

2. Practice active listening: Whenever your children raise a question, criticism or concern about the divorce, drop what you are doing and listen to them without defensiveness or judgment. Do your best to reflect back to them what they are saying to make sure you understand them: “You’re angry with me because dad isn’t coming over to see you much any more. Is that right?”

3. Provide straightforward answers to their questions, without hedging to spare their feelings. For example, try to avoid falsely indicating that the marriage may continue or that the children are really going to like the new arrangement or that the divorce is definitely for the best. At the same time it’s good to try active listening when the children hint at or indicate that they want their parents to stay together no matter what.

4. Don't make your children choose sides.

5. Don’t criticize your spouse in front of the children.

6. Don’t communicate with your spouse through your children.

7. Make every effort to cope as effectively as possible with divorce yourself, since in this way you will provide a model for your children. Please see our segments on Stress Management, Depression, and Trauma/PTSD for helpful suggestions. Consider individual counseling or getting some counseling for yourself and your children together.

8. Try reading divorce-related books or articles to them as a way of increasing communication and understanding; e.g., My Parents Still Love Me Even Though They're Getting Divorced, written by Dr. Lois V. Nightingale.